Friend, Fantasy, and Allegiance

With a to-do list the size of Texas and my heart constantly desiring to love anything shinny I find myself a wee bit busy. It is a new busy for me but I still do not have free time enough to do the kind of blogging I have dreamed of. This new busy I would like to describe to you in the first of what I am hoping will be a three part series describing the newness of life. Part 1. Friend, 2. Fantasy, and 3. Allegiance which will be my focus tonight.
When I wake up at 4:30 am after a night of trying to hide away from the traditions of a scandalous floor I wake to the darkness. This darkness I have known before and I have charged into it morning run after morning run as I strained towards my dreams in high school cross country. This darkness and I have become the sort of friends where silence has become the best solace.
When I need to vent my frustrations I beat the air and the pavement, I throw my heart out to the Wind and I bring my body to an endorphin stimulated attention.
In this attention whether prayer be my vehicle, the power of the darkness my cloak, or the breaking of silence my release I come into fellowship with revelation. You know that place, that state of being where human understanding is at its hight yet still you are left with desire? That place I find regularly in philosophy, theology, art, and all the things I love but at that moment of weakness comes revelation.
My revelations have been sometimes to complicated to tell and sometimes to simple in their beauty that I must share them in person or keep them locked in the intimacy of memory and prayerful meditation.
One I will be free to divulge is that of a revelation of my allegiance specifically in the growth and process that Air Fore ROTC has instigated. Our first flight letter was sent out on the second week of SPU classes and I climbed through the thickets of antonyms I found the order to learn the Airman's Creed. I opened the attachment to read...
I am an American Airman
I am a warrior
I have answered my nations call

I am an American Airman
My mission is to fly, fight, and win
I am faithful to a proud heritage
to a tradition of honor
and a legacy of valor

I am an American Airman
Guardian of freedom and justice
my nations sword and shield
its sentry and avenger
I defend my country with my life

I am an American Airman
Wingman, Leader, Warrior.
I will never leave an Airman behind
I will never falter

and I will not fail.

This is a declaration that I found myself immediately judging. Thinking, "I am not a warrior. Would I give my life for this country? A nation? What is this legacy? I worked on memorization but my intellect fought my heart into a disposition that was less than amiable. I found myself in a tension caught between the dreams of my youth and the visions set before me and those laid behind. My struggle was not birthed by the Creed alone but was rather more grounded in years of questioning the military with the new testament.
These struggles came to yet another point where I needed Revelation to send aid badly. And aid came in the form of my uniform, a benefit concert, and a counseling appointment.
I received a text asking if I was available to play a benefit concert this last friday and in summery I was able to make it. Not only was I able to make it but instead of just playing drums for the main band I played my own music for an hour during the silent auction. This allowed for me to be able to grab time with the director of Stop Child Trafficking Now. He is a pastor of warriors and has been involved with special operations militarily and inside of criminal justice with the demand side of trafficking. He was able to draw out a specific passage in the gospels which describes a centurion who comes to Jesus and asks him to heal his servant. In the Jordish paraphrase Jesus offers to go with him and he says he is not worthy but knows because he is under authority that Jesus has authority to command healing and see it done. Jesus goes on to praise his faith as the greatest in all of Israel.
From this one account he fed me some thoughts. First, Jesus never condemned a soldier for his job or told him to change his profession. In fact in this instance he is praised for his faith and understanding of authority. My teacher then began to point out the obvious that the old testament was not meant to be apart from the new, nor do they contradict. Also that God told warriors like David and Saul to kill whole people groups even though the fifth commandment says we are not to murder. "There is a difference between kill and murder" he elaborated. "God does not contradict himself."
This was Revelation that confirmed what I felt God speaking to me but could not surrender to which is further solidified for me through my uniform.
I wore my uniform it for the first inspection of the year and was again given the instructions to know the Airman's Creed well. This time I spoke it out into my empty room as I prepared the night before. The louder and more sure I became with the words the more my heart was able to grab hold. My heart and spirit finally collided into alignment with my mind when inspection came and Detachment 910 yelled in unison our Creed. It became mine just as the uniform aided the revelation of my commitment. I stood at attention eyes just above the horizon proclaiming I am an American Airman, I am a warrior! It was not brian wash or fear that instigated Revelation but the realization of begin a part of a cause much greater than I, a proud heritage.
I was no longer in conflict in my mind and my heart was at peace even while begin inspected! I wish I could be dancing excitedly in front of you to add emphasis to my fresh joy. This joy was sealed in me during a counseling appointment with my teacher and captain who are one and the same. Capt. Morgan told me about the lounge of the special forces units she has worked with. She said the lounge was lined with books,their was often chess going on, and it was surprisingly calm. She told me that they are not looking for crazy people but normal people disciplined in doing crazy things.
That Revelation brought my heart to life and my childhood dreams claim to a hold in my practical pursuits once more!
Oh the adventure I have been lead to! I my pledge allegiance to God and he guides my steps some times in spite of my plans.
Signing out! Dream well and God bless you!